5 Ways not to
by Jammeke
Summary: ... Get stuck in a Stargate, fall off a balcony, die... This is your personal not to do-guide, which will hopefully keep you alive in Pegasus. The most occuring subjects are being treated; you should be safe with this in your pocket.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** 5 ways not to…

**Author: **Jammeke

**Summary:** 5 ways not to... Get stuck in a Stargate, fall off a balcony, die... You name it; it's in here. This is your personal not to do-guide, which will hopefully keep you alive in Pegasus. The most occuring subjects are being treated; you should be safe with this in your bag.

**AN:** I do not have a Beta. Any mistakes are mine.

Also, **(AN.)** stand for author's note in this story, but they're not my own notes. They're additions added by the creators of this guide, namely team Sheppard, Weir, Carson and the rest of the gang. Don't get confused.

**5 Ways not to…**

…**Get stuck in a Stargate with your Puddle Jumper**

**1)** Travel by feet.  
**2)** Do not get distracted by, say, enormous bugs who have attached themselves to the neck of your CO.  
**3)** Just retract your engine pods.  
**4)** Do not lose your forward momentum upon entering the Gate.  
**5)** Do not enter the Gate at all

… **Die **(**AN**. If you are, in fact, Daniel Jackson, you can skip this part)

**1)** Keep breathing (dying breaths do not count)  
**2)** Avoid sentences along the lines of: 'It can't get any worse,' or 'We made it'.  
**3)** (**AN**. Do not try this at home!) Go on suicide missions at least twice a season. Sheppard still looks quite healthy for someone who should've died at least three times!  
**4)** Do not encounter: Wraith, Genii or Replicators. Granted, there are many more dangers in the Pegasus Galaxy, but this should be a good start.  
**5) **Remember: Seeing Lt. Colonel Sheppard in your dreams is _**nice**_. Do not get literally scared to death.

… **Transform into a bug**

**1)** (**AU**. This is to you overconfident men out there!!) Don't think you can take out a female wraith, because they do not fight, they _scratch.  
_**2)** Upon reading the word: 'Retrovirus' on a flask in the infirmary; move slowly backwards and run when you get the chance.  
**3)** Do not befriend John Sheppard, because he attracts bugs like bees on honey. Or Rodney McKay's on chocolate cake.  
**4)** Do not alter your DNA, even should you feel the urgent need.  
**5)** Transform into something else.

… **Get cut off from Earth**

**1)** Bring along a ZPM and, preferably, a Rodney McKay.  
**2)** Do not leave Earth at all, which is a little too late, since you're already in Pegasus. This is the famous 'I told you so' part, where we all get to laugh right in your face.  
**3)** Bring Earth along wherever you go.  
**4)** Buy yourself a personal Daedalus and stick it in your pocket.  
**5)** Do not blow up the DHD, Stargate, dialling crystals or anything needed to ensure your trip home. (**AN**. You can use your C4 for other stuff, like clearing stumps, vanquishing superbugs or (**AN.2** Do not try this at home) building nuclear bombs…

… **Get blown up in an Ancient Satellite**

**1)** No matter what, always draw the shortest straw.  
**2)** Do not even consider overloading the re-rooted circuits.  
**3)** Do not get shot at by Wraith Hive Ships.  
**4)** Make sure that, whenever you enter one, there is always enough time to, say, leave one.  
**5)** (McKay wishes to tell you all that you should) Avoid the things at all costs.

TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **Thanks for the wonderful reviews.

Of course, I am planning on writing another chapter. If you have any particular situation in mind that you'd like to see handled; let me know. I'd be glad to work with your suggestions.

**5 Ways not to...**

**... Ascend**

**1)** Do not die (**AN**. If you find this a goal difficult to achieve, you should consider reading chapter 1 again!)  
**2)** Do not meditate. (**AN**. imagining you are riding a Ferris wheel does _not_ count as meditating)  
**3)** Thou shall do _much_ harm.  
**4)** Reincarnate, go to heaven, cease to exist…whatever works for you.  
**5)** Do not use the Ascension Machine. John Sheppard never invented a name for it, but the senior staff will know exactly what you're talking about, should you use this term.

**... Kill Acastus Kolya**

**1)** Just tell him you'll kill him _next_ time you meet.  
**2)** Become a writer of Stargate Atlantis and use your power to keep the world's best bad guy alive. (**AN**. We had nothing to do with this one- It seems like there's another author out there working on this guide...)  
**3) **Allow him to use one of your team members as a shield: you will only be able to hit his shoulder.  
**4)** Let him kill _you._  
**5)** Let McKay try it.

**... Become a runner** (**AN**. This may seem a bit too drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures)

**1)** Let yourself get eaten by the wraith.  
**2)** Cut off your legs.  
**3)** Get rid of the tracking device in your back, using something sharp like a knife. A mirror should help you aim.  
**4)** Lock yourself in a small room, preferable a closet, so that you don't have the space to run, even if you'd want to. (**AN**. Then again, should you want to, you wouldn't have to read this, would you?)  
**5)** Just don't get culled by the wraith. (**AN**. This goes for all situations!)

**... Be forced to leave Atlantis**

**1)** Do not save a vessel filled with Ancients who were on their way back to your beloved city.  
**2)** Grab hold of one of the railings in the Gate Room and cling onto it very tight.  
**3)** Transmit a signal to the Replicators and let them do the dirty work.  
**4)** Join the IOA and pretend you're Richard Woolsey.  
**5)** Lock yourself in a deserted lab and pray you won't be discovered.

**... Piss off the Replicators**

**1)** Do not try to convince them that you are equally as smart, advanced, or armed.  
**2)** Do not mess with their base code. (AN. For they will turn far more dangerous- like a John Sheppard's who's hair has been _messed_ with)  
**3)** Do not resist when they put their hand in your head (AN. Don't ask)  
**4)** Do not be the cause of them starting a fight with the wraith.  
**5)** Do not blow up their warships with a set of Mark Nine tactical nukes, housed in a custom-made weapons platform, codenamed Horizon.

TBC...


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **I'd like to thank everyone who took the time to review. To the people who've made suggestions; I have used them for chapter 4. This chapter had been typed out already when I posted chapter 2.

**5 ways not to…**

… **Get captured **

**1)** Do not flirt with the daughter of the alien village's leader.  
**2)** Die fighting.  
**3)** Let Atlantis' medical doctor invent a drug that makes you immune to wraith stunners and inject yourself with it. (**AN**. Why we haven't come up with this solution during all these years in the Pegasus Galaxy is a mystery to us too, so don't ask.)  
**4)** Offer them C4 in exchange for your freedom.  
**5)** Do not open any hidden hatches that you stumble upon when you're lost. (**AN**. The Genii may be our allies now, but you should trust them as much as you trust a John Sheppard without a navigation system)

… **Blow up a solar system**

**1)** Do not try to outsmart the Ancients; you'll have to deal with the fact that you can't.  
**2)** Do not power up technology that can't be predicted.  
**3)** Do not listen to a certain Doctor Meredith McKay.  
**4)** Blow up a stump, if you feel like blowing _something_ up.  
**5)** Let someone else do it.

… **Be affected by a wraith experiment that causes you to have hallucinations**

**1)** Do not go to M1B-129.  
**2)** Inject yourself with wraith DNA  
**3)** Ignore every helicopter, tank, Taliban member, desert, wraith, dying person or dart you encounter. (**AN**. You will already be infected if you stumble upon any of these, so besides ignoring them, it would also be wise to pray that you won't get killed by your team mates)  
**4)** Do not shoot the hell out of a wraith device if you can't shut it off.  
**5)** Do not go after team members who are late to check in. (**AN**. Do not follow this rule, because it would suck for morale. It just has to look like we're being careful, should the IOA get a copy of this. So after you've read this line, scratch it or spoil coffee over it!)

… **Fall off a balcony**

**1)** Do not lean too much forward when you're enjoying the beautiful sight.  
**2)** Do not allow John Sheppard to test the ancient shield you've put on.  
**3)** Make sure the railing is bigger, higher and more solid than you are.  
**4)** Just stay away from balconies, not matter the size, altitude or colour.  
**5)** _Jump_ off it.

… **Get accused of being a wraith spy**

**1)** Do not take any necklaces that John Sheppard offers you. (**AN**. Every Monday and Friday, Doctor Adams holds sessions in his office for all the female members of this expedition, who still find it difficult to refuse)  
**2)** Do not, under any circumstances, pass through the location of our Alpha Site to the wraith.  
**3)** Become best friends with Sergeant Bates.  
**4)** Always have an alibi around, for you never know.  
**5)** Shoot as many of the damn creatures as you can. (**AN**. We are in no way making profit of this guide...)

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** I'd like to thank Snowfur and Sparklyshimmer2010 for their suggestions. They have come up with the first two situations, allowing me to come up with 5 ways not to end up like that. I really appreciate your ideas!

**5 ways not to…**

… **Get trapped in an old Genii mining facility**

**1)** Do not block the entrance once you find yourself inside the facility.  
**2)** Do not use your C4 down there, for the whole ceiling will come down on you, resulting in you getting effectively trapped.  
**3)** Do not allow for any particular Genii to take you down there in the first place. Ignore every kind invitation you get.  
**4)** You could also get trapped in a _new_ Genii mining facility.  
**5)** Why would you go to a mine anyway? Avoid the things at all costs!

… **C****rash into the sea with your Puddle Jumper**

**1)** Do not go on test flights with Jumpers, even if Dr. Zelenka kindly asks you to.  
**2)** Do not lose your altitude when flying over the ocean.  
**3)** Crash onto land.  
**4)** Do not get your pilot distracted with ridiculous arguments (**AN**. Something along the lines of 'We invented the tomato!' 'No, we did!')  
**5)** There is no need to crash; you can also carefully lower the Jumper into the water.

… **Get interrogated by a wraith Queen**

**1)** Do not be able to fly a dart.  
**2)** Do not stick around after you've killed your CO, who happens to have just revealed that you come from a planet filled with hamburgers on legs.  
**3)** Tell everything you know to the drones posted in front of your cells beforehand.  
**4)** Get interrogated by a male wraith.  
**5)** Put up so much of a fight that they will have to kill you. Or succeed in killing them all.

… **Create a dangerous enemy**

**1)** Do not sow new life on a planet with Iratus Bugs on it.  
**2)** Do not use the retrovirus on a wraith, only to allow him to escape with potential knowledge.  
**3)** Do not open any hidden hatches. They are usually hidden with good reason.  
**4)** Do not blow up the city of an alien race, when they can re-replicate themselves.  
**5)** Do not step through the gate at all. (**AN.** Kavanagh is worrisome enough, thank you very much)

… **Allow a defiant wraith to occupy your Jumper**

**1)** Do not investigate crashed wraith cruisers on the other side of the solar system.  
**2)** Do not allow for your footprints to be visible should you find yourself in a desert.  
**3)** Always keep in mind that wraith do not show up as life signs when they're hibernating.  
**4)** Do not allow for the remote to be stolen from one of your life sucked scientists.  
**5)** Catch up with the wraith before he has the chance to enter your ship, so run _fast_! (**AN.** Hey, I did run fast!) (**AN.2** Not fast enough, obviously!)

**Not only did Sciencefictionsquirrel send me ****two suggestions; he/she filled in '5 ways not to' as well, so I decided to make this one a bonus. Thank you, Sciencefictionsquirrel, for allowing me to post these two tips! **

**5 ways not to…**

… **Get stuck in a life or death situation**

**1)** Always have something capable of jumping to hyperspace nearby.  
**2)** Do not venture too far from the Stargate.  
**3)** Always be in a Jumper.  
**4)** Have Ronon or McKay with you. Preferably Ronon.  
**5)** Try not to let the Wraith know you're alive.

**… Cause havoc**

**1)** Keep Rodney away from unknown technology unless he's the only one within a light-year.  
**2)** Never touch strange objects.  
**3)** Lock yourself in a closet with enough food and water to last until new supplies arrive. And a bathroom.  
**4)** Do not wake up an evil alien race.  
**5)** Go back to Earth. And stay there.

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** I would like to say thanks to Lady of Summer Haze for sending me the first possibility. I've come up with 5 ways to avoid the situation and I hope you enjoy them.

Also, thank you sparklyshimmer2010, for coming up with the fifth situation. I hope you enjoy what I've made of it!!

**5 ways not to**

… **Get hurt**

**1)** Do not take on a Wraith Hive Ship single-handedly.  
**2)** Do not get shot by your team mates.  
**3)** Do not find yourself in a place that is about to explode.  
**4)** Do not get involved into a combat. Shoot them.  
**5**) Do not allow for angry natives to shoot arrows in your gluteus maximus.

… **Get possessed by hostile fighter pilots**

**1)** Do not bring life pods containing bodies back to Atlantis.  
**2)** Do not approach the unconscious bodies of fighter pilot's who have been at war for centuries, are the last of their kind and are determined to kill each other.  
**3)** Do not get convinced by a possessed team member to volunteer yourself as a host.  
**4)** Get possessed by something we know how to deal with, like a Goa'uld.  
**5)** Kill all the fighter pilots you encounter on sight. (**AN.** Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard excluded)

… **Attempt suicide**

**1)** Do not mess with naquadah generators.  
**2)** Do not spar with Teyla. Or Ronon.  
**3)** Do not drink the last cup of coffee in front of scientists.  
**4)** Do not sing 'this is the song that never ends'. Seriously.  
**5)** Do not insult John Sheppard's hair.

… **Let the city be seized by a small strike force**

**1)** Do not piss off the Genii. (**AN.** How many times do we have to repeat ourselves, people?)  
**2)** Do not hand over IDC's to the Athosians. No matter how hard Teyla will hit you.  
**3)** Do not let the Gate be guarded by marines that like bacon.  
**4)** Keep stalling. Break things to fix them again, enter wrong command codes, find problems that aren't there, use your imagination!  
**5)** Have John Sheppard around. And McKay. And a storm.

… **Lose a ZPM **

**1)** Do not allow for Ancient worshipping natives to take one from you. Even if they hold you at gunpoint.  
**2)** Do not drain all of its power to ensure your doppelganger's safe return to his parallel home world.  
**3)** Put a tracking device into it.  
**4)** Hold on to it very tight.  
**5)** Do not hand over two ZPM's to Stargate Command, once you've laid your hands on them. (**AN.** No matter what Elizabeth says) (**AN.** 2 Rodney!)

TBC...


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Thanks to sparklyshimmer2010, who has sent me the first _three _situations to work with. I laughed out loud when I read your suggestion. I cite: 'something with the IOA (a.k.a. idiots on Atlantis)' I've actually considered using that line for the guide, but I then thought it would be too unprofessional, even for a silly guide like this. Still, it really made me smile.

And also thanks to Lady of Summer Haze, who has given me the fourth situation to work with, along with the first way not to end up like that. Thank you very much for that!!

**5 ways not to…**

… **Get kidnapped**

**1)** Do not get gassed, drugged, or influenced by anything that causes you to lose consciousness.  
**2)** Do not give anyone the impression that you are a VIP among your people.  
**3)** Do not get hit by a harpoon moments before entering the gate. Make sure that you are through before that happens.  
**4)** Use the anti-wraith stunner drug you had your medical doctor invent because we said so in chapter 3.  
**5)** Stay away from all the people that aren't us in this damn galaxy, because seeking them out is deliberately asking for trouble.

… **Piss off the IOA  
****  
1)** Do not be the cause of two Hive Ships coming to Earth.  
**2)** Do not have the nerve to be right once they have disagreed with you.  
**3)** Do not refuse to debrief with them.  
**4)** Do not get Woolsey killed.  
**5)** Do not be military.

… **Encounter Michael **

**1)** If you stumble upon an Iratus-Bugs-Wraith-Experiment… leave. Immediately.  
**2)** Do not attach your F302 to his Wraith Hive Ship.  
**3)** Suspend your team's gate travel activity (**AN.** At least until you are fairly sure that Ronon has managed to kill him)  
**4)** Ignore Doctor Meredith McKay when he tells you that it should be Ronon coming around the corner in the underground facility. It will be Michael.  
**5)** Upon encountering a wraith that looks like Trip from Star Trek Enterprise, it will already be too late. The only thing left for you to do will be to run. Preferably fast.

… **Strand on a**** planet**

**1)** Do not allow for Dr. Rodney McKay to fly the Jumper.  
**2)** Only travel to planets that have a working DHD.  
**3)** Do not visit planets with their Gate in orbit, because something is bound to happen to your Jumper down there.  
**4)** Do not get the control crystals of the Gate blown up.  
**5)** Do not allow for the Gate to be swallowed by lava. (**AN.** And if you really can't help yourself, you should have an Ancient Warship and a scientist named R. McKay nearby)

… **Upset Dr. Carson Beckett**

**1)** Do not offend his mother.  
**2)** Do not suggest he say goodbye to his relatives by the means of a device called a… camera.  
**3)** Do not take Lucius Luvin away from him.  
**4)** Do not harm his turtles in any way.  
**5)** Do not take him off world.

TBC...


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Thanks to Snowfur, who has sent me the first suggestion! I hope you like what I've made of it.

**5 ways not to**

… **Make the Ancients mad at you (or human kind in general) **

**1)** Do not interfere (**AN.** With what, we don't know: They never elaborate any further)  
**2)** Do not accuse them of being dangerous aliens, who are trying to seduce your commander officer.  
**3)** Do not be an Ori.  
**4)** Do not allow Woolsey to stay in Atlantis as a representative of Earth.  
**5)** Do not teach the wraith how to ascend.

**… Marry Lucius Luvin**

**1)** Make sure that you have a cold whenever you encounter him.  
**2)** Be male (**AN.** And unattractive, just to be on the safe side…)  
**3)** Do not allow for him to enter Atlantis.  
**4)** Every small bottle found on the man is to be destroyed. Immediately.  
**5)** Just say no when he pops the question.

… **Get hooked up on the wraith enzyme**

**1)** Allow for any wraith that feeds upon you to finish with the job.  
**2)** Do not encounter Lt. Ford.  
**3)** Do not apply food offered to you off world.  
**4)** Do not inject yourself with a massive dose if you only have to take out two guards.  
**5)** Stay away from red liquids.

… **Deal with Dr. Kavanagh**

1) Do not embarrass him in front of his fellow scientists.  
**2)** Do not accuse him of being a member of the Trust.  
**3)** Take him off world… (**AN.** We will leave the rest to your imagination)  
**4)** Do not suggest defending Atlantis against the wraith in his presence. (**AN.** Mr. Ponytail prefers to run and hide)  
**5)** Be a hairdresser.

… **Get infected with nanites**

**1)** Stay away from Replicators. The friendly ones included. (**AN.** For they can be re-programmed)  
**2)** Do not almost die with Drs. McKay and Keller in the same building.  
**3)** Do not let any Replicator grab you by the throat.  
**4)** Have the Ancient gene. Granted, you can still be infected, but at least you won't die.  
**5)** Do not try to befriend advanced people in this galaxy. (**AN.** Alliances with people that could have something of value to offer, have proven to be too good to be true)

TBC...


	8. Chapter 8

**AN:** Thanks to saphiretwin369 and sparklyshimmer2010, for sending me the first and second suggestions to work with.

**5 ways not to…**

… **Be forced to meditate for six months**

1) If it looks like a door, smells like a door and acts like a door, you should stay away from it.  
**2)** Always check the time on your video camera.  
**3)** Never offer to go first.  
**4)** Should you find yourself in a time dilation field, try to find a community that isn't trying to ascend.  
**5)** Fight beasts instead of meditating.

**Piss off Colonel **1 **Carter/ **2 **Sheppard/ **3 **Ellis/ **4 **Caldwell/ **5 **Sumner**

1) Do not hit on her, because God knows she's had her fair share of admirers already (**AN.** Also, you do not want to piss off a General either)  
**2)** Do not name anything a lousy name.  
**3)** Do not talk too much, especially when you don't agree with him.  
**4)** Do not become the CO of Atlantis.  
**5)** Do not shoot him.

… **Get caught up in a nuclear explosion**

**1)** Do not damage naquadah generators.  
**2)** Do not encounter the Genii.  
**3)** Do not fly a nuke against a Hive Ship.  
**4)** Do not be forced to vanquish nanites that have affectively infected your team mates with a virus.  
**5)** Stay away from everything that's emitting radiation.

… **Get stuck in a moon**

**1)** Do not check out seemingly deserted outposts (**AN.** No matter how cool their space shuttles look)  
**2)** Do not go beaming people out of devices.  
**3)** Do not allow for anyone to light up the engines of the space shuttle, without disengaging first.  
**4)** Always close the rear hatch, in order to keep your Jumper from drifting off into space.  
**5)** Get stuck someplace else.

… **Be forced to endure Star Trek/Wars ramblings (This goes for every show with the word 'Star' in it)**

**1)** Stay away from your fellow Earthlings.  
**2)** Do not end up in a situation similar to an episode plot of one of the shows.  
**3)** Do not bring a Star(whatever) season as a personal item to Atlantis.  
**4)** You are not to quote the episodes.  
**5)** Do not refer to SGA-1 members as Kirk/McCoy/Spock/Chewbacca/Han Solo/etc. (**AN. 1** You get the point) (**AN. 2** That, and we're growing sick of it)

TBC...


	9. Chapter 9

**AN:** Thanks to sparklyshimmer2010 for the second suggestion and Lady Of Summer Haze for the third one. I hope you enjoy what I've made of it.

**5 ways not to…**

… **Befriend a wraith**

**1)** Do not get captured by the genii.  
**2)** Only work together with one if you really have to and make sure to be rude during the process.  
**3)** Do not name them; it humanises them.  
**4)** Do not be 'more like the wraith than you know'.  
**5)** Do not honour your so called deals. Shoot them when you get the chance.

… **Encounter one of your alternate selves**

**1)** Do not combine a sister, paint and paper in order to avoid new mathematical algorithms.  
**2)** Do not create a bridge that draws energy from another universe.  
**3)** When someone appears inside the machine that you have created for an experiment, shoot him/her!  
**4)** Just don't travel to alternate universes and pray that your alternate selves won't too.  
**5)** You know yourself best, so seek sanctuary in a spot that you know you will forget to check when you are looking for you (**AN.** Read this line again, concentrate and it will make sense!)

… **Be forced to share your body with someone else**

**1)** Do not get scooped up into a wraith dart.  
**2)** Do not have Dr. Zelenka rematerialize you once you _have_ ignored our first tip.  
**3)** Tell your team members that, if they really feel the need to shoot down the dart that _scooped you up_, they make sure that there's enough energy left to beam everyone out (**AN.** Really, just following rule 1 will do. The other four ways are written for the ignorant and stubborn people among us)  
**4)** All right, all right… then at least _get scooped up_ in a wraith dart _alone_.  
**5)** Be forced to share someone else's body with someone else.

… **Get trapped on an island with a bunch of prisoners**

**1)** People who have made deals or arrangements with the Wraith are to be avoided.  
**2)** Get trapped on an island with a bunch of… other people.  
**3)** Crash onto an island that has a working DHD.  
**4)** Have enough dignity not to be shot down from the sky with primitive weapons.  
**5)** Get trapped on main land with a bunch of prisoners.

… **Kill your commander officer**

**1)** Do not allow for him to be taken and interrogated by the wraith.  
**2)** Do not shoot him.  
**3)** Avoid having to defibrillate him.  
**4)** Be capable of fixing the Ancient Control Chair, in order to avoid certain suicide missions.  
**5)** Do not mistake him for a wraith opponent and shoot him (**AN.** Before you start saying anything, it's worth repeating, okay)

------

**I've got a surprise for you guys: tadadada… Another bonus! Mnemosyne23 has sent me the following part! I nearly choked to death when I read these tips. Mnemosyne23, thank you very much for allowing me to post these 5 ways!**

**5 ways not to…**

**… Make Ronon angry**

**1)** Do not insult the Satedan military (**AN.** Unless you are a wise Jaffa, or have bowels of steel and a deathwish)  
**2)** Do not suggest he take a shower and maybe get a trim  
**3)** Do not lock him in a cage with members of his team and threaten to turn them all over to the Wraith (**AN.** And if you do this, make sure you don't allow him access to any sharp implements, and for God's sake DON'T GO NEAR THE BARS! Are you stupid? Is that why you do things like that? You are, aren't you? You're stupid. KNEW IT.  
**4)** Do not betray the men under your command by displaying utter cowardice in the face of certain death. (**AN.** We strongly suggest that certain death is preferable to facing down Ronon when he's angry, armed, and has a grudge against you)  
**5)** Do not be a wraith. Duh.

------

TBC...


	10. Chapter 10

**AN:** This is the last chapter. Do you think ten pages will be enough to keep the expedition members alive? The guide can't be too thick, because otherwise the teams will not be able to take it with them off world… And of course there's the fact that I feel like I've used every part of the first three seasons to work with.

I'd like to thank all of you for reading and reviewing this fic. I can't believe how many reviews I've received and I am very grateful to all of you. Your suggestions, bonuses and messages have made me a very happy person. I can't thank you enough for that.

A special thanks to Lady of Summer Haze; for the first suggestion, TWISTed-angel033; for giving me inspiration for the second tip, sparklyshimmer2010; for sending me the third suggestion. And last, but not least, thank you saphiretwin369; for giving me the fourth suggestion and the first two ways.

Because this is the last chapter, I have added a few extra tips. Thanks for sticking with me, everyone!

**5 ways not to…**

**… Accidentally activate an Ancient machine**

**1)** Do not touch anything within Atlantis or any other Ancient outpost/warship/base/facility/etc.  
**2)** Do not have the Ancient gene.  
**3)** Do not lean against the 'on-button'. Or any other buttons for that matter.  
**4)** Do not think (**AN.** Most technology takes a mental component, so thinking your colleague is a jerk, might just get him electrified)  
**5) **Purposely activate an Ancient machine.

… **Be a pessimist**

**1)** Do not presume Sheppard dead after one of his suicide missions  
**2)** Do not give up your search for ZPM's, just because we never find any.  
**3)** Do not think that you are going to die every time a Wraith Armada is on its way to Atlantis.  
**4)** Do not be worried each time Dr. McKay tells you that the situation is impossible and that he can't fix whatever it is that's broken or has gone haywire. He will fix it (**AN 1.** Signed by John Sheppard) (**AN 2.** I don't know whether to be pissed or honoured, Colonel)  
**5)** Do not for one second believe that you will never see the dead again, because they _always _return (**AN.** Somehow, someday and someway…)

… **Lose a chance to speak with an Ancient**

**1)** Do not try to seduce (or be seduced by) them.  
**2)** Do not allow for them to send you away from Atlantis.  
**3)** Do not accuse them of being dangerous aliens.  
**4)** Do not have Ronon lead the conversation.  
**5)** Do not position yourself into a pod for 10.000 years if they have offered to take you with them to Earth.

… **Become one of Dr. McKay's crushes**

**1)** Do not have short blonde hair.  
**2)** Do not be a scientist or smart at all.  
**3)** Do not be understanding to his weird habits.  
**4)** Do not be a botanist.  
**5)** If you are female: avoid him like the plague (**AN 1.** Oh har har, my side… By the way, who says I don't swing both ways?) (**AN 2.** You are just saying that to freak me out) (**AN 3.** No really… You think? You are quite the genius, Mr. Mensa) (**AN 4.** Oh my, an error coming from your end: I never joined, remember?) (**AN 5.** Gentlemen! Do I have to put you two on laundry duty?)

… **Get buried alive**

**1)** Do not piss off Kolya  
**2)** Do not give anyone the impression that you would like to end up like that.  
**3)** Stay away from holes, gapes and ceilings that look threatening.  
**4)** There are so many things to choose from when you are alive… why would you even consider getting buried?  
**5)** Make sure to be dead before it happens.

… **Get lost**

**1)** Do not take Lt. Col. John Sheppard with you off world.  
**2)** Use a map.  
**3)** Or a navigation system.  
**4)** Or a really long rope (**AN.** Tie one end to the Stargate and tie the other end around your wrist)  
**5)** Don't go dwelling through the corridors of Atlantis **and you are not to play hide and seek.**

… **Lose this Guide**

**1)** Do not end up in water, fire or anything harmful.  
**2)** Do not allow for Lt. Col. John Sheppard to keep it in custody for you.  
**3)** Tattoo the text onto your body.  
**4)** Do not take the guide off world.  
**5)** Implant a locator beacon onto it and have Hermiod beam it into you.

**AN 1. That was it, folks. Now remember: stick to the rules. We didn't go through all the trouble of writing them down to see you all waltz into these situations. Besides, we're the ones who will have to save you afterwards and we'd rather not do that. Oh, and welcome in Pegasus by the way. Enjoy yourselves and stay alive.**

_**Lt. Col. John Sheppard, Dr. Rodney McKay, Teyla Emmagan and Specialist Ronon Dex**_

**AN 2. Dear newest addition to our expedition team, I wish you welcome in this galaxy and I hope SGA-1 didn't scare you too much. Fact is, they are right about most situations. They have given me more grey hairs than I care to admit, and I would like for you to act like responsible explorers. I look forward to working with you. But please stick to the rules. I know from first hand experience that you will be better off if you do so. Thank you,**

_**Dr. Elizabeth Weir **_

The end


End file.
